100 Days

 100 Days....

It is said that the 100th day marks the end of the mourning period. It symbolises a point where the deceased is believed to have fully transitioned, and the family moves from heavy mourning to final remembrance. 

To me, the 100 days marks...

- days without seeing you/your smile

- days without hearing your voice/your laughter/your scolding 

- days without receiving a text from you

- days without tasting your cooking

- days without irritating you

- days without YOU

My mourning ended the day of your interment. But my grief continued....

I honestly don't know when I'll be able to look at your photos because I really cannot do it. I also don't know when I'll stop having this heaviness on my chest, the constant hollow-ness inside, the neverending longing/yearning. 

If 100 days feels like this, how will a year, 5 years and so forth feel? For those who have gone through this, they tell me that the pain does not go away. That it will always be there. But....it gets easier. 

Easier how I don't know. People have told me to pray and ask for strength. But I still can't pray either. 

100 days seems so long and yet, everything still feels fresh. Penning down my feelings helps ease my pain a tiny bit even though my thoughts are always the same, just expressed in different words. 

This is something that I have to learn to live with it, make peace with, to accept it. 

I miss you so damn much! 

#100daysofmissingyou #imissyou #iloveyou #mimi

Mother's Day

 *Delayed entry*

88 Days....

It's the 88th day since you left and heartbreakingly, it's also Mother's Day. 

I dreaded your birthday. I have dreaded today.

Days meant to celebrate you. Days where, despite your protests, we posted pictures of you and wrote mushy stuff. Bought you gifts, took you out for meals. 

This year, today, we celebrate you in a different way. We can't see you, we can't touch you, we can't hear you. But we FEEL you. 

We feel you at home. We feel you in the car. We feel you in our heavy heavy hearts. Hearts that are broken. Hearts that are yearning. Hearts that are hurting. 

Happy Mother's Day Mimi! I miss you so damn much. ❤️❤️

So much and yet nothing

I want to say so much but at the same time, I can't find the words.  

I want to look at your picture and see your smile, but I still can't bring myself to do that. 

I dry my eyes before my cheeks can get wet or someone notices. I swallow the lump in my throat before it threatens to give me away. 

I still can't pray. I tell myself that I don't blame God for what happened. But I don't know if that is the truth. 

I used pray for strength, comfort and positivity. But now, I need to find the strength and courage to return to prayer. 

Every day since....

Every day since that traumatic day has been surreal. The world is just going on, passing by me left and right, while I stand still, frozen in time. I wake up each morning. I go to work. I eat. I interact with people. I post online. And yet…. there’s still something in me that hasn’t moved.

My sighing hasn’t stopped. I still get jabs of pain in my chest which then leads to unshed tears. I take a deep breath, stare into space, blink my eyes, shake my head and return to whatever I was doing. This happens even when I am driving and it's dangerous. I nearly met with an accident recently. Thankfully, Ben, my rock, was with me and he called me out. I had zoned out and missed stopping at a junction. Thankfully, nothing happened. I tell myself that I have to stop replaying that day but it's something that I don't seem to be able to control. 

I still can’t look at her pictures. The mixed emotions make it so much harder to accept reality. While my logic knows that physically, she’s no longer here; the emotional me refuses to accept. And every now and then, while handling the administration of her estate, where I have to answer questions from the lawyer, provide documentation, sign forms…all these add to the jabs to my chest. Every message, every signature, feels like another nail in the coffin, emphasizing finality. The more time passes, the further away she feels. The heavier my chest gets.

I now hate the word died; coffin; cemetery. I can't bring myself to say these words. Especially when I have to relate it to her. 

Mother’s Day is approaching. Advertisements are out. And my heart breaks again and again. I’m not sure how to navigate this new life although I have a great support system. I’m not sure time will heal the emptiness I feel. It’s just ironic to feel a heavy chest; and yet have a hollowness inside. Two contrasting physical feelings; but one huge emotion.

Sighs...

The tears on my face have dried

But the tears in my heart continue to flow

Like a river to the sea 

My mind is filled with thoughts and questions

But no words can be formed

And no answers to be found

There is a constant ache

A longing so deep and painful

That oh so often tightens the chest

I have been sighing constantly 

Trying to ease whatever that I am feeling 

But it is like trying to stand on one leg in the middle of a raging storm....

You Are Loved Beyond Measure

11.2.2026 - That Day.

3.48pm - That Call. The haunting words that keep replaying in my head. "I think amah passed away." My heart immediately stopped. 

It is a call that no one ever wants to receive. Be it from a hospital or relative or friend. But to receive it from one of your parents, hearing the urgency and worry/panic in the voice speaking to you, one has to steel one's self to concentrate and really understand what is being said. 

Fear gripped and squeezed the heart. Frustrated tears poured, along with words of prayers spewing out the mouth. All these while trying to navigate through horrendous traffic, hoping that the call was just a sick nightmare. Every call now turns my stomach, fear creeps in, my body goes into numbness, bracing myself to hear whatever is on the line. 

That Find - The first image upon arriving, still haunts me every time I close my eyes. It is not the image I want to remember, but it is the image that has caused the most pain and is the hardest to forget. I now often find myself shaking my head trying to push the image out of my head. 

That Drive - I also didn't think that that day would be the last time she would be in my car, that it would be our last drive together. For ten days, I couldn't bring myself to drive. 

We saw her twice more before she was dressed up for the final time. It was a conscious decision to spare my father the agony of having to identify her,  to see her in that state that no one should ever experience. As hard as it was, only my sister and I will carry that burden till we die. Only recently I was told that my husband was with me but I had blanked him out completely in that moment. I still don't remember him being there, holding me, supporting me, being my rock. 

We're all grieving in our own ways. Dad lost his life partner of more than 45 years. My sister, being the youngest and still living with her, lost her lookalike. I, as the eldest, lost a role model as mum was also the eldest daughter/child. Grandma lost her second child. People lost a sister, friend, aunt, cousin, sister in law....

It was always the 3 of us. Like the Three Stooges. The BeeGees. Huey, Dewey and Louie. The trinity has now broken. Not forgetting Dad of course. He was always like Charlie from Charlie's Angels. And his first angel is now gone. 

What remains now are two daughters' hearts bound together with an invisible rope interwoven with love and memories of a wonderful, strong woman.

2025 Ended on a Sad Note

 31.12.2025

My 100 year old grandmother on my dad's side left us. Being a century old, her passing did not come as a shock. Her memory had slowly been leaving her over the past years, and while she was still alive, she was barely living.

The second day of new year saw the whole family gathered, to say farewell to this iron lady. While tears did pour, her farewell was more of a celebration of her 100 years on earth. She "had made sure" that the whole family were together at New Year.

Ushering in 2026 with a farewell was not the way I expected to welcome the new year. My mother always said that if there was a wedding at the beginning of a new year, we would be attending weddings throughout the year. What I didn't expect, was to attend another, devastating farewell less than two months later.

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December Again

It’s December. And once again, this is only my second entry here. Sighs…. time passes, things happened and just like that, we begin to say goodbye to another year; and get ready to welcome a new one.

Since my last entry, a few things have happened:

1)     Uncle Peter passed away. And with that, my grandma’s whole life (and ours too) took a big turn. My sister and I were there when uncle Peter passed; but we were unable to stay for the funeral which was held a few days later. Once the funeral was over, it was decision time. So many decisions had to be made within a short period of time. In the end, decisions were made, keeping what was best for grandma in mind.

The family decided that grandma would stay with her two daughters who were stable enough to support her. Grandma would shuffle between KL and Penang, staying at each house for a number of months. This was the best option and solution. As of today, as I am writing this, grandma is staying with us in Penang and it will be almost two months come December end.

Taking grandma in has not been easy as it required change. Not so much for me since I am staying with my husband; but my parents and sister have had to adjust their lives. For that, I am eternally grateful to them for shouldering the responsibility; but especially to my sister, for she now lives in a house where the combined ages of the inhabitants there (minus her) reaches more than 200 years!  

2)    While all the above happened, mum has gone for her medical follow-ups. Her post-surgery follow-up has been good and she just has to continue with her medication as prescribed. However, at her cardio appointment, we were told that she needed to get her pacemaker battery replaced; and so, once again, mum has to go for another surgery next year. I guess when one ages, your health becomes the priority. I am thankful that my father is ok, and now, grandma too. While I hoped that my mum would not have to go through another surgery so soon, I guess it’s always better to get it over with, rather than wait till it’s too late.

And so, as we wait for her next follow-up (which is this week), I hope that once again, everything will go on smoothly; and that God will be there for us and protect us all.

3)    But enough about all that. On a brighter note, on 19 November 2025, I officially got a new car! I have always wanted a big car; and after much, hesitation, consideration, calculation…. I decided to just go for it! I listened to Ben and decided to do something for myself without feeling guilty.

And Ben was right! I can’t exactly describe what I felt when I got my new car. Happiness. Excitement. Wonder. It’s going to be 3 weeks since I got my new car and I still smile every time I think and see my new car. Ben said I couldn’t stop smiling from the moment I took the car from the dealer. People must have thought I was crazy, for smiling for no reason. But then again, it’s my default look…I smile at anyone, everyone, and everything. 

I hope that this would not be my last entry this year. But let’s see…

Till then….

6 months 21 days….

6 months 21 days….

That’s what has passed in 2025. Every year seems to be moving faster than the year before. This year is no different.

So, what has happened in the past 6 months 21 days? Besides having/hosting family friends from Australia from January – February, the major highlight in the past 6 months was my mum.

As I stated in my last entry at the beginning of year, mum was supposed to go for thyroid surgery in March. She was admitted on a Sunday and was prepped for surgery the next day; only for the surgery to be cancelled at the last minute. Mum had fasted from 2am, changed into the operating gown and was even hooked up to an IV line. She was supposed to be the second person to be operated on that Monday, but the first surgery had some complications and ran over time. By the time it was over, it was too late to do my mum’s surgery.

Emotions were all over the place. The worry, the fear, the anxiety, the patience, the annoyance. I can’t imagine what my mum felt but I was emotionally drained. From the time mum was admitted, there were rounds of doctors who for pre-op assessments; and because it was always a different doctor, we had to constantly repeat her medical history. Caretaker fatigue is real, even if I only experienced it for two days in March. Mum was finally discharged with no new date given for her cancelled surgery.

The next two weeks which ran into April was a flurry of calling the hospital, personally looking for the doctors etc just to get a new surgery date. Thankfully, my  who works part time at the hospital managed to track the doctor and get him to set a date. The new surgery date was set for June, which meant another long wait. Mum was not happy especially since there was a wedding we had to attend; and she thought she would have a brand-new look by then, but alas….

April was my 3-year ROM anniversary and I got my second tattoo! May saw one of my cousins tying the knot.

As the days passed in April then May, we reached June, my birthday month. This year, it was a low-key affair compared to last year where there was a surprise party and getaway.

The end of my birthday week saw my mum getting admitted for the second time this year. All the past emotions resurfaced, but there was a tinge of worry that what happened in March would happen again. That, coupled with all the what-ifs….it was a difficult time.

Nevertheless, God heard and answered our prayers! Mum was the first to go into surgery that day; and after 5 hours of worrying, praying, pleading with God…..mum’s surgery was over! She made it! My sister and I did not move from where we sat; and the anaesthesist who saw us sitting outside the operating theatre the whole 5 hours, took pity on us and relieved us off our worries.  The relief and happiness to hear that mum was ok and awake, her heart was stable (as that was a concern for the docs) and that she was doing well….it was an amazing feeling.

Uncle Stephen and Aunty Lita were in Penang for a school reunion during that time; and they were kind enough to be with us while mum was in surgery. They waited till we got the good news; then we sent them back to the hotel.

4 days after surgery and mum was discharged, with a load of medication. Mum stayed with me for a few days, then returned home where I think she recovered faster, being in her own home and all. Vay and I went up the hilltop temple to give our thanks to God, and it was one of the hardest journeys up the hill. But, we would do it again without a doubt!

It’s now past mid-July. We’ve been to a few follow-ups and there are more in the coming months. But, we’re thankful. Mum is recovering well. She no longer has to wear turtleneck tops to hide her big neck; she looks slimmer…she’s doing well. There is of course the adapting to having to now take medication 4 times a day, but I think it is worth it.

Till my next update…..

 *Late Entry* 

31 December 2024

2024 - This is only my second entry this year, which is not good. I started this blog so that I could pen my thoughts down without actually having to keep a physical diary/journal.

Anyway, my last entry saw me counting down to when I turn/start a new decade of my life. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, or what to expect. I had after all, ticked off everything that was on my bucket list, so I didn't feel as though I had left something undone.

Nevertheless, as always, I am blessed. Having the best sister in the world and also a husband now, those two make quite a team. My sister had always said that she hopes she gets a BIL whom she can clicked with, and she got her wish. Together, they organised a surprise birthday party for with family and friends; followed by a getaway to see my favourite animal - the giraffe! 

A week before my birthday, I got something that I had always wanted. A tattoo! I didn't tell anyone except my husband; and only revealed it later on to a selected few. Sadly, my tattoo artist will be leaving Malaysia in 2025, so I hope I will be able to get my second one before she leaves.

2024 was a year that was wavy, both personally and professionally. Personally, I got my first original Kate Spade handbag from dear hubby for V-Day; we also celebrated our 2-year wedding anniversary. Together, we purchased a new property, and as I am writing this, we have yet to move in despite plans to do so before Christmas. Lol...looks like we'll have to try moving before CNY. Hubby and I also got the opportunity to shoot an M16 rifle, thanks to my boss who is with the RAJD.

This year, I attended my first concert after 25 years. Sis and I were lucky enough to secure tickets to Bruno Mars' 24K Magic Concert! To say we had a blast would be an understatement. We were on a Bruno Mars high for a few weeks! 

Deepavali was celebrated in KL this year, and for the first time in a long time, we did not celebrate it together. Dad went to KL with the oldies; while sis and I went to Langkawi for a sisters' getaway. We had purchased the flight tickets and booked the hotel room in advance, before finding out that Deepavali was to be in KL. 

I managed to finally meet Suvarna after two years. The last we met was at my wedding two years ago; so it was good to finally be able to catch up with her. Hopefully, she, YL and I will get to meet in 2025.

Throughout the year, I continued looking for a new job, and plan to continue doing so in 2025. I also got COVID again, followed by Influenza A a few months later; and then, for almost a week, I had an eye infection! But...thankfully, I was declared healthy at my bi-annual health screening, although I need to monitor my liver, kidney and ovary for some small lesions. I was advised to exercise, which is something I said I would start in October but....sighs. On a serious note, I really do need to start exercising.

Another significant thing that happened in 2024 is my mother being told that she will need surgery for her thyroid. This is something that has been talked about a lot but the time has come, where surgery is now needed. So, we got her transferred from a private hospital to GH, with much apprehension. Nevertheless, with God's blessing, the transfer to GH has been smooth. We are all really impressed and pleasantly surprised with how fast, efficient and nice the staff at GH are. 

Mum's surgery is scheduled for March 2025. So hopefully, barring any delays, I'll have moved to my new place before then, so that mum can stay with me during recovery.

In the meantime, as the new year approaches, I pray for good health, wealth, success, and love for everyone, in 2025!

Happy New Year in advance! 

The Past Decade

There's less than 2 weeks before I officially enter a new decade. Facebook memories have been reminding me of my previous posts from a decade ago, when I then also entered a new decade.

Back then, I wanted a big celebration; and thanks to the best sister in the world, I got a week-long celebration. It started off with me dyeing my hair copper/red; then family slowly started to arrive, and everything culminated in a party with family and friends. I woke up to my first hang over, puking twice...but it was a good week.

After all the festivities, I then came up with a bucket list of things to do in the next ten years. Almost halfway through the decade, I had almost completed my list with certain additions/amendments made to the list.

And so, as the days heads towards my birthday, here is the update on my 'Bucket List For The Next Ten Years'':

1) Travel! To Cambodia, Philippines, Bali, India - I did not get to travel to the countries listed (although I came close to going to Cambodia but Covid struck so...) but...I did go to Vietnam and Hong Kong.

2) Take my parents back to Hong Kong (does not count as travel) and visit the places where my parents started their married life in - this was a dream come true for my sister and I because we managed to fulfill this dream for both my parents and ourselves. It was our first overseas family trip in years; and to be able to bring them back to where it all started was just a blessing. 

3) Take a class - either pick up an instrument, learn a new language (Spanish, Mandarin, Hindi?), learn how to swim or take up a sport's class (like yoga or pilates)  - well, I started taking piano lessons which lasted for a year, but something else (something bigger and more important) took precedence, so I decided to put my lessons on hold. 

4) Exercise! - Um well....I did start exercising especially when I was so into those fun runs/walks. I used to go jogging/walking to build my stamina for those 5km, 7km runs/walks. Alas, once Covid hit, joining those runs/walks stopped and so did my exercise. 

5) Improve my Tagalog. Balut! - Instead of improving my Tagalog, what I did was be brave and tried balut! And...it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!

6) Wear a dress (and a saree does not count) - I wore a dress numerous times much to my discomfort. Once was a cheongsam for a CNY do at work; and the other was when I was a maid of honour at my cousin's wedding. Wearing that red lace dress (may have) led to the 'something bigger and more important' that I mentioned above. I also wore dresses for two other weddings.

7) Go out and socialise more!! Make new friends!!  - Now this was the hardest to do and I am not very sure I actually fulfilled this. But...I did go out and I do have new friends, so I'm claiming that it's done. 

8) Get a new car! - After more than 10 years with my Kancil, I finally got myself a new car! 

The list above was what I had planned to achieve in 10 years. But I did a couple of more things as well such as, para-sailing and getting on a banana boat ride. But I think the one that takes the cake above all is....I got a boyfriend, I got engaged....and I got married! 

Yes, while I know that getting a boyfriend, getting engaged and getting married should not be on someone's bucket list, it's still a huge event that changed my life forever. And it happened in the decade where I decided that I needed some change. 

With less than 2 weeks to go, I have been thinking about what I want to do for my birthday. I have applied for leave (which I always do anyway); but I really do not know what I want to do. I don't want the big party that I had 10 years ago; but I do want to spend time with my family. My sister and husband may have something planned (I am still not sure lol) but I guess I'll find out soon enough. 

Till my next entry in my new decade....ciao! 

One Year

*Late entry*

December 17th 2023 

Exactly one year ago, Ben and I took our vows and promised before God and our loved ones, that we will always "have and to hold", 'in sickness and in health"....."till death do us part".

One year.....I know that people always say that time flies; but I have to repeat that time indeed FLEW!

It has been a year of adapting, compromising, tolerating, learning and adjusting. It has not been easy at times but we persevered and learned. We started as two individuals, one who has been living on his own for more than 10 years; and me who have not lived without my family for more than 3 months. 

Agreeing to who sleeps on which side of the bed is still an ongoing argument. Me leaving the dish wash sponge in the soap dish; he leaving his t-shirts and shorts on the dining table chair. Of course these are all small and petty stuff that every married couple faces but I am thankful for these. For it is through these that I learn a bit more about my husband every day and I hope vice versa!

Yes there are days when we don't agree on stuff and we pull long faces but we talk it out, listen to each other and come through to the other side of the disagreement together. We acknowledge that we are different individuals with differing opinions but we always try to come to a compromise. It's not easy because we are both stubborn but we manage.

We did not have a big first year anniversary celebration. But we did enjoy a spa massage courtesy of the bestest sister in the world; and then we went back to the place where we had our second date for dinner. It was low key but relaxing. Perhaps I should broach the idea of having a big anniversary celebration every 5 years. That way we will have time to save and plan.

It's been a year and yet, I keep re-watching the videos of I have of my wedding. I sometimes even get teary eyed and find myself smiling to myself like an idiot. It's like traveling back in time, experiencing it all over again. Yes, it's cheesy but hey....it's my wedding and we only get to do it once. And no matter what others say, I think my wedding was the BEST celebration of a union of a couple and of two families. 

And so.....as one year passes and another year begins, I look forward to more memories, more love, more laughter, more smiles.....more of everything.....

6 months into 2023

Half of 2023 have passed. Every year, time just seem to pass even faster than the year before. So, what has happened in the first 6 months of this year?

I started the year as a married woman! After a long holiday in December, it was back to work but with a new title and slightly shorter hair.

February was my parents’ birthdays and my sis and I decided to spoil my parents. We got them each a Tab so that they can watch their videos, YouTube, Netflix etc in comfort. I also got a new niece and nephew.

Ben and I celebrated 5 years of being together in March. And in April, we celebrated our 1^st ROM Anniversary. Where did time go? We’ve been registered a year already?!

April was also a sad month. One of my dad’s elder brother passed away; and just one week later, my dad’s favourite and beloved grand-aunt passed away too. Going to the crematorium two weeks in a row, sending off two loved ones…..it makes one think….how in the blink of an eye, everything can just change.

I don’t really remember what happened in May. But my favourite month of June came around and I celebrated my final year in this decade!! That’s 29+10! Lol! A week after my birthday, my father-in-law became a grandfather for the first time when my brother-in-law had his first kid - a daughter. Oh....I also cut my hair short.....not boy-cut short but short enough for people to actually be surprised. I think it's a nice change although when I look at old pictures, I miss my long hair. 

And just like that, 6 months of 2023 have passed. I wonder what the next 6 months hold for me. I hope I get what I am searching for.

I pray every day that my loved ones are continuously blessed with long lives, good health, wealth and love. I look forward to positive change and good news in the next 6 months.

My 2022

I started the year as an engaged woman. And I am now ending the year married. As I have previously mentioned in my other entries this year, I wanted to start wedding planning as soon as possible but this was not to be as we faced obstacles after obstacles. Anyhow, here's a run down of what went on this year in my life....I'll skip the monthly updates that I usually do for my year end postings, and only focus on certain months that I want to keep in memory.

March saw Ben and I celebrating being 4 years together; it was also 4 months since we got engaged, and one month to us getting registered.

April will now not only be the month my parents celebrate their wedding anniversary, it will also be the month that Ben and I celebrate our registration anniversary. April 15th this year was Good Friday, and for both our families, it was indeed a very good Friday. 

May saw Ben and I finally attending and finishing the Catholic Evening for the Engaged Course, which is a compulsory 3-day course for couples intending to get married in church. It was at times boring but there were times when certain sessions made me think of how I can change and be better.

I celebrated turning 29+9 in June and we finally got a date for our church wedding after weeks of follow up. Wedding planning went on full gears.

So to everyone who knows me, they know that I am NOT a dress person. I do not wear dresses or skirts. So naturally for my wedding, I wanted to wear pants, much to my mum's and sister's chagrin!! To every bridal house we went, I asked if they had any bridal pantsuit. One bridal house did indeed have one, but when I tried it on...even I went EWWW....

After scouting 3 bridal houses, I finally found THE dress with a looooong train. I never thought that I would wear such a dress let alone with such a long train. But I did and I do not regret it. 

October saw my dad's whole family reunite for Deepavali. After 2 years of Covid, the whole gang was back and it was such a good feeling. Aunties, uncles, cousins, nephew, nieces....all in one house celebrating each other, love and family.

But October also saw me, my sister and mum getting involved in a 3-car accident on the highway, back from KL. It was raining and the brakes of the car behind us were not working properly. We got sandwiched between two cars and my babes (my car) got injured. Thankfully, none of us suffered any serious injuries, though my sister cut her lip, had swollen gums and three teeth shook. :-( 

Despite all that happened, wedding planning was in full throttle come November. By then, we had our bridal outfits ready, pre-wedding photographs taken, hotel and band booked....the stage was set for the last wedding in the year for both families.

Ben and I both started our long leave 3 days before our wedding day. Emotions were high, stress was at the highest it could be....nerves were tingling....I was to be a December bride! 

And finally....the day arrived. 17 December 2022. The started early and ended late. As expected. The morning service just breezed by and I can honestly say it went faster than expected. I remember more of what happened at the dinner reception than what happened in the morning. But thank God for photos and videos! 

After the wedding high and coming back from our holiday, a sudden thought of this one friend came to mind. So I went to his Facebook profile only to find out that he had passed in August! He had died of cancer. To find out such news was painful. For as long as I knew him, there was only he and his mother. I then wondered how his mother was coping? After messaging a friend of his, I found out that his mother also sadly passed away a few weeks ago. And that to of cancer. Sighs....

Such is life. As I was busy planning my wedding, celebrating entering a new phase of my life, on the other side, a friend lost of his life. Life is a circle. Where there is life, there is also death.

With less than 8 hours before we usher in the New Year, let us thank God for all the blessings that have been showered onto us and let us appreciate each day as it comes. May we all be continually blessed with good health, wealth, success and love.

Countdown: 28 days to go

There's only 28 days to go before I walk down the aisle. 90% of things on my checklist are done; and yet, the remaining 10% still seems like a lot! So what has been done since my last entry in July? Here's the list:

> Bridal and Reception Outfit - DONE! This was really a concern but after much searching, I finally found two outfits that I love!

> Bridal Shoes - this was another problem. I wanted shoes in a particular colour; unfortunately, it is not a common colour. So, I thought, it's ok, I'll just make the shoes. But alas.....I was too late. The shoemaker was fully booked till CNY next year. But lady luck was probably shining on me, because I found a custom-made pair in the shop, which not only fit me but it was also in the colour I wanted!! So shoes - done!

>  Bridal Party - my bridal party were given freehand to choose their outfits with the request being that it was in the chosen colour. By September, the MOH and bridesmaids had their outfits ready. As for the guys, since their outfits are all being tailor-made, there were no issues there.

> Pre-Wedding Photos - so we decided on having unconventional pre-wedding photos. Since Ben doesn't want to see me in my bridal outfit before the church ceremony, we decided on having casual photos, and shots with our families all dressed in traditional wear. While it took quite a while for the photographer to send us the final edits, I must say, he did a really good job making us look good; and I simply LOVE LOVE LOVE the photos!!

> Alcohol - this was one of the things that was purchased early on. Hahaha! And the stock has been "staying" in my house for the past few months. We are still deciding on whether we want to add to the stock. Hehe!

> Florist - meeting up with the florist and discussing our decoration was also done fairly early. And with the florist being so accommodating, it was one stress off our shoulders.

> Photobooth - due to the wedding being in December, the florist unfortunately could not do the decoration for our photobooth outside the ballroom. But thankfully, one of my bridesmaids had a contact, and in no time, this was an issue that was settled too. We recently had our meet up and I am quite happy with the outcome. 

> Food Tasting - We just had our food tasting a couple of days ago and the food was good. So we're hopeful that our guests will enjoy the spread.

> Band - this was something that was stressful because I had a particular band that I wanted for the reception. From the beginning I had said that only that band is my choice. However, due to the wedding being in December so close to Christmas, and with the entertainment industry just starting to get back in motion, the band could not commit early. I went to see two other bands and was on the verge of hiring one, when the band I wanted agreed to perform!! So...YAY!!!!

> Emcee - so hiring an emcee was not really in our plans, and we figured we'd just ask some family members to host the night. But as time went by and we started drafting the programme, we realised that, while we may not need an emcee the whole night, certain parts of the programme will need someone. So I asked a friend and she graciously agreed to be the emcee, along with my sister (what would I do without her?). 

> Bridal Shower - yes! In the midst of all the planning, I still had my bridal shower! My girls really planned well, and even though one of my girls couldn't make it, her contribution to the shower was not lost. I had a really good and memorable time!

> Music - no, this is not for the reception but rather the church. My piano teacher has graciously agreed to play and sing during the service along with Ben's cousin. While uncle Francis, one of my dad's best friends and former bandmate has been re-arranging the music that will be played as I walk down the aisle. 

So the countdown continues....and as time flies, I hope I get everything done. There have been times though when I feel like I have been planning and making decisions on my own, and it stresses me out. But, a few people have told me earlier on that it's normal to feel this was and that they too went through the same thing. That's some sort of a relief. Haha...

I guess the next time I post an entry, the wedding will be over! So wish me luck! 

Hope for Change

 It's 19 November 2022. Less than 5 years since the country voted for change, we are once again, voting and fighting for change. Back in 2018, one could feel the optimism in the air. The positivity, the hope, the excitement. Those feelings were bubbling under the surface of every individual who voted for change. And in the wee hours of the following morning, change happened! We did it! It felt like someone had pressed Ctrl+A and delete. It was a clean slate.

Fast forward to 2022, I don't feel the same optimism nor excitement in the air. Instead, for weeks, I have been hearing doubts, concerns, worry. In 2018, people were confident and sure that change was going to happened. And it did! But this time, it feels like people are more cautious. While there is hope, there is somehow that lingering feeling of skepticism and doubt. Will we be able to do it again? Will we be able to bring change for a second time? 

My family and I did our parts. My friends did their parts. And now we wait....nervously, anxiously......hopefully.

"It doesn't matter how strong your opinions are. If you don't use your power for positive change, you are indeed part of the problem."

#GE152022 #GE15

Wedding Planning Mode

It's the 3rd of July. That makes it approximately 5 months to my wedding ceremony and reception.

After months of frustration just to get a date for the church ceremony, we have FINALLY secured and confirmed the date AND venue for both the ceremony and reception. To say that I felt frustrated, annoyed, irritated and disappointed these last few months would be an understatement. I felt all that and more...!! 

I knew that planning a wedding was difficult and stressful; but I didn't know that even to get a date was difficult. And the fact that setting the date was not in my control at all, made it all the more frustrating; especially when I had to rely on people. People who did not seem to see their mistake/fault, or the urgency of the matter. 

Fast forward pass all the negative feelings, and now, the official wedding planning has finally begun. While I initially had scouted for hotels, photographers, make-up artists etc, nothing could be confirmed because I didn't have a date set. And it only made matters worse when I kept being told that I was already late; I probably would have to postpone my wedding etc etc. 

Thankfully, not only did I have the support of my family and friends, but I had one person who continued to do the ground work for me so to speak. My sister aka maid of honour, is now also my wedding planner! She advised, sourced, pulled strings...basically she did (and is) pulling out all the stops! I owe her a HUGE thank you! 

For now....

> We've got the rings (since March). 

> We got legally registered (in April). 

> We completed the Church Marriage Course (Catholic Evening for the Engaged) which is a 6 day course that was crammed into 3 days. 

> We have a tailor for the groom's party. The bride's party is also on the go. 

> We have got a photographer (and videographer).

> We have the priest and church set.

> We have the hotel booked.

But....this is just the tip of the iceberg! There's so much to do in so little time. Pre-wedding photoshoot; bridal gown search; meet up with the florist/decorator; food tasting; find a band and emcee; send invites.....AHHHHH!

Most brides I know lose weight because of the stress of wedding planning. Unfortunately for me, I CAN'T afford to lose weight. In fact, I have been on a mission to GAIN weight but that is proving to be DIFFICULT, considering I have not only wedding planning stress, but also work stress to contend with.

At the rate it's going, I have a fear that no wedding gown will fit me and I will need to custom make one; but because of the time constraint, that may not be possible. And that will be an added stress! 

Perhaps I should have just listened to my mother and eloped! Sighs.... 

Final Countdown

5 months have passed since I got engaged! It happened the day after Deepavali. Then Christmas came and went. So did New Year and Chinese New Year. 

5 months since that day and I'm in the last few days singlehood! Yes....in approximately 4 days, I will be changing my salutation from Miss to Mrs! OMG!! To many, I think FINALLY will be their exclamation. 

5 months just breezed past. A lot has happened and a lot more is to happen. 

This is most probably my last entry as a single person. 

The next time I post an entry, I would have began a whole new journey to a bright future ahead. 

xoxoxoxo

I've Finally Found Someone

I've finally found someone, someone to share my life
I've finally found the one, to be with every night....

___________________________________________________________________________________

44 months ago, I agreed to start a relationship. Fast forward to last Friday (5 Nov 2021), which was the day after Deepavali, and I am now.....ENGAGED!

What was supposed to be a relaxing weekend at a beach hotel with my sister and Ben, turned out to be one of the best weekends of my life. I checked into the hotel as a single person; and two nights later, I checked out as an engaged person complete with bouquet in one hand and the bling on the other.

So the story goes as follows....

I had won a 3D2N hotel stay voucher last year in a lucky draw. While I had planned to use it for my birthday, that plan had to be cancelled due to the Movement Control Orders. Thankfully, the hotel agreed to extend my voucher validity to the end of November. Come October, I decided to try my luck and tried to book the hotel right after Deepavali. Surprisingly, the hotel accepted and confirmed my reservation (although I must admit that I was very lucky as interstate travels were still prohibited at the time of my booking and was only lifted a few weeks later which by then, the hotel was fully booked).

I am not sure how I missed all the hints (yup...I guess being a 'ruler' and blur case helped Ben and my sister this time). It all started when Ben asked me who in my family could keep a secret better. Then there was the "requests" for me to get a manicure - which I refused! Lol! Both my sister and Ben tried to persuade me but I was adamant in my refusal, so they dropped it. Even when Ben asked me to email him the hotel confirmation, I did not suspect a thing. Yeah...you can all roll your eyes...

Anyway, Ben told me that he was working that Friday, and that he would meet my sister and I at the hotel after we had checked in. Traffic going up to Batu Feringghi was  bad and it took us about an hour from our house to reach the hotel. Thankfully, we managed to find a parking spot.  As we were walking to the hotel entrance, Ben texted saying that he was in the lobby and blur me believed him when he said he messaged the wrong person and that it was intended for the delivery man. Lo and behold, that message was meant for my sister which I later found out. He nearly blew the whole plan at the last hour! 

After checking in, we headed to the room to keep our bags then we headed to the coffee house for a late lunch. While my sister pretended to go to the toilet, she was in fact meeting Ben to pass him our room key. My sister tried to delay returning to the room for as long as she could as Ben was decorating the room. Unfortunately for her, it was raining and we couldn't walk to the beach which would have given Ben more time.

But before we actually went to the room, she had to go to the toilet - AGAIN! Then we went to the mini-mart to get water and stuff and I think here, my sister nearly killed me when I refused to get a plastic bag, insisting that we could carry two big bottles of water and two cans of coffee between us. In my defense, I was trying to save money and the environment! Hahaha!

So after the pit stop to the toilet and detour to the mini mart, up we went to the room. After juggling the bottles of water and coffee cans, we managed to open the room door and.......there were flower petals and candles on the floor. Some background music was playing (I only realised later what song it was when Ben told me and I watched the video).

There, beside the bed, in a full 3-piece suit, with bouquet in hand and a wide smile, stood Ben. On the bed were rose petals arranged into a heart, above the headboard were balloons spelling out "Will You Marry Me" and "Always and Forever". I did not know what to say or do especially with the stuff I was carrying. I kept repeating "Oh my God" and "I don't know what to say" until Ben asked..."So, will you marry me?" My answer: "Yes yes, of course of course".

And we hugged and kissed (more like a peck). And my sister had to actually remind Ben to put the ring on my finger. Hahahaha. She also asked him to kneel but I said no need. Luckily for Ben as he couldn't kneel anyway as his vest was too tight! Lol! The afterthought of how I looked hit me after that but thankfully, my sis insisted we wear something nice "so that we can take nice pictures on the beach before Ben arrives". I think I looked ok in the pictures considering my bare face and pinned up hair. 

And the ring....the moment he slipped it on, my first reaction was "It fits!!" and you can actually hear me say it in the video. So much so that "Of course of course" and "It fits" has become some sort of a joke amongst my friends.

After the customary photos, we called our parents and closest friends to inform them - much to their delight and happiness. We then sent out pictures and one friend even asked if I said yes....hahahaha! 

Once we settled down, we had to blow off all the candles and collect the petals. By then, it was dinner, so we went for dinner then just chilled in the room after that. Ben and my sister then gave me the whole story from the beginning.

The next morning, I woke up with the ring on my other hand as sometime during the night, I switched the ring to the other hand. I don't wear any jewelry except for my earrings. So wearing a ring almost 24/7 felt weird. As expected, I have not stopped looking at my ring hand, just to make sure that the ring is still in place. Haha!

The next two days went by real quick and it'll be a weekend to remember forever. I have of course Ben to thank for making it so memorable. But the weekend wouldn't have happened if not for my sister. She even wanted to leave the both of us but we insisted that she stay. She played an integral part in this and we love her for that! 

I still can't believe that I am now engaged! As when I first got into a relationship, quite a few people actually said FINALLY! Some even cried. 

So for my second entry of the year, I think this takes the cake! We have not really sat down to talk about the wedding (!!). I guess it's still pretty new and it'll take some time for us to accept this. 

2022 is going to be an exciting year!! Things are looking up especially since the end of the year is in less than two months! 

Till then.......

p.s. Our song: Finally Found Someone - Bryan Adams and Barbara Streisand

2021 – First Entry of the Year

If 2020 just flew by, 2021 is rocketing. It’s already July (!!) which means the first 6 months of 2021 has ended. What exactly happened in the first half of the year? More MCOs, more WFHs….

To be honest, I don’t really remember. I spent New Year’s eve this year at home with my parents. My sister was in KL; while Ben’s yearly family outing was cancelled due to the pandemic. Thaipusam was also a low-key affair with no procession or temple visits. CNY came and went in a blur; with the only redeeming factor being my neighbour giving us CNY treats. Sis, mum and I cooked for CNY just to get into the mood.

March saw Ben and I celebrating our 3 years together (!!); while Mursiah and I celebrated our 5-year work anniversary in April. Labour Day was spent cooking Thai food (tried to cook Green Curry which was successful). One thing that this pandemic has taught me is that even I can cook! Lol!

Then came June…my favourite month of the year. The month that makes me turn a year older every year. I had “grand” plans of spending my birthday at a hotel, courtesy of the hotel vouchers I had won last year. Alas….that was not to be. Thankfully, the hotel was kind enough to extend my voucher validity to November. So my birthday this year, just as it was last year, was spent at home. We ordered lunch from HRC and I had a string of gifts starting from the day before. June came; and June went.

And now it’s July…sighs. On a brighter note, my parents, sister and Ben have all gotten their first dose of the Astra Zeneca vaccine. I’ll be getting mine this Sunday. This is really something of a relief and to be thankful for, as getting an appointment was sooooooo difficult. Registering my parents for the opt-in was easier than when it was my sister’s and my turn. Nevertheless, we are all blessed and grateful to be given appointment dates. Even Ben, who did not get an appointment date but through luck and kind-hearted colleagues, he managed to get his first dose before me! Thank God!

Other things that I am working on are putting on weight (I’ve lost around 5kgs since the start of the pandemic due to WFH eating habits i.e. no breakfast of nasi lemak, kuih and teh tarik); reading more (current read is Obama’s A Promised Land); and practicing the piano (!!).

Let’s hope that the next 6 months bring better news and hope.