So much and yet nothing

I want to say so much but at the same time, I can't find the words.  

I want to look at your picture and see your smile, but I still can't bring myself to do that. 

I dry my eyes before my cheeks can get wet or someone notices. I swallow the lump in my throat before it threatens to give me away. 

I still can't pray. I tell myself that I don't blame God for what happened. But I don't know if that is the truth. 

I used pray for strength, comfort and positivity. But now, I need to find the strength and courage to return to prayer. 

Every day since....

Every day since that traumatic day has been surreal. The world is just going on, passing by me left and right, while I stand still, frozen in time. I wake up each morning. I go to work. I eat. I interact with people. I post online. And yet…. there’s still something in me that hasn’t moved.

My sighing hasn’t stopped. I still get jabs of pain in my chest which then leads to unshed tears. I take a deep breath, stare into space, blink my eyes, shake my head and return to whatever I was doing. This happens even when I am driving and it's dangerous. I nearly met with an accident recently. Thankfully, Ben, my rock, was with me and he called me out. I had zoned out and missed stopping at a junction. Thankfully, nothing happened. I tell myself that I have to stop replaying that day but it's something that I don't seem to be able to control. 

I still can’t look at her pictures. The mixed emotions make it so much harder to accept reality. While my logic knows that physically, she’s no longer here; the emotional me refuses to accept. And every now and then, while handling the administration of her estate, where I have to answer questions from the lawyer, provide documentation, sign forms…all these add to the jabs to my chest. Every message, every signature, feels like another nail in the coffin, emphasizing finality. The more time passes, the further away she feels. The heavier my chest gets.

I now hate the word died; coffin; cemetery. I can't bring myself to say these words. Especially when I have to relate it to her. 

Mother’s Day is approaching. Advertisements are out. And my heart breaks again and again. I’m not sure how to navigate this new life although I have a great support system. I’m not sure time will heal the emptiness I feel. It’s just ironic to feel a heavy chest; and yet have a hollowness inside. Two contrasting physical feelings; but one huge emotion.

Sighs...

The tears on my face have dried

But the tears in my heart continue to flow

Like a river to the sea 

My mind is filled with thoughts and questions

But no words can be formed

And no answers to be found

There is a constant ache

A longing so deep and painful

That oh so often tightens the chest

I have been sighing constantly 

Trying to ease whatever that I am feeling 

But it is like trying to stand on one leg in the middle of a raging storm....

You Are Loved Beyond Measure

11.2.2026 - That Day.

3.48pm - That Call. The haunting words that keep replaying in my head. "I think amah passed away." My heart immediately stopped. 

It is a call that no one ever wants to receive. Be it from a hospital or relative or friend. But to receive it from one of your parents, hearing the urgency and worry/panic in the voice speaking to you, one has to steel one's self to concentrate and really understand what is being said. 

Fear gripped and squeezed the heart. Frustrated tears poured, along with words of prayers spewing out the mouth. All these while trying to navigate through horrendous traffic, hoping that the call was just a sick nightmare. Every call now turns my stomach, fear creeps in, my body goes into numbness, bracing myself to hear whatever is on the line. 

That Find - The first image upon arriving, still haunts me every time I close my eyes. It is not the image I want to remember, but it is the image that has caused the most pain and is the hardest to forget. I now often find myself shaking my head trying to push the image out of my head. 

That Drive - I also didn't think that that day would be the last time she would be in my car, that it would be our last drive together. For ten days, I couldn't bring myself to drive. 

We saw her twice more before she was dressed up for the final time. It was a conscious decision to spare my father the agony of having to identify her,  to see her in that state that no one should ever experience. As hard as it was, only my sister and I will carry that burden till we die. Only recently I was told that my husband was with me but I had blanked him out completely in that moment. I still don't remember him being there, holding me, supporting me, being my rock. 

We're all grieving in our own ways. Dad lost his life partner of more than 45 years. My sister, being the youngest and still living with her, lost her lookalike. I, as the eldest, lost a role model as mum was also the eldest daughter/child. Grandma lost her second child. People lost a sister, friend, aunt, cousin, sister in law....

It was always the 3 of us. Like the Three Stooges. The BeeGees. Huey, Dewey and Louie. The trinity has now broken. Not forgetting Dad of course. He was always like Charlie from Charlie's Angels. And his first angel is now gone. 

What remains now are two daughters' hearts bound together with an invisible rope interwoven with love and memories of a wonderful, strong woman.

2025 Ended on a Sad Note

 31.12.2025

My 100 year old grandmother on my dad's side left us. Being a century old, her passing did not come as a shock. Her memory had slowly been leaving her over the past years, and while she was still alive, she was barely living.

The second day of new year saw the whole family gathered, to say farewell to this iron lady. While tears did pour, her farewell was more of a celebration of her 100 years on earth. She "had made sure" that the whole family were together at New Year.

Ushering in 2026 with a farewell was not the way I expected to welcome the new year. My mother always said that if there was a wedding at the beginning of a new year, we would be attending weddings throughout the year. What I didn't expect, was to attend another, devastating farewell less than two months later.

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December Again

It’s December. And once again, this is only my second entry here. Sighs…. time passes, things happened and just like that, we begin to say goodbye to another year; and get ready to welcome a new one.

Since my last entry, a few things have happened:

1)     Uncle Peter passed away. And with that, my grandma’s whole life (and ours too) took a big turn. My sister and I were there when uncle Peter passed; but we were unable to stay for the funeral which was held a few days later. Once the funeral was over, it was decision time. So many decisions had to be made within a short period of time. In the end, decisions were made, keeping what was best for grandma in mind.

The family decided that grandma would stay with her two daughters who were stable enough to support her. Grandma would shuffle between KL and Penang, staying at each house for a number of months. This was the best option and solution. As of today, as I am writing this, grandma is staying with us in Penang and it will be almost two months come December end.

Taking grandma in has not been easy as it required change. Not so much for me since I am staying with my husband; but my parents and sister have had to adjust their lives. For that, I am eternally grateful to them for shouldering the responsibility; but especially to my sister, for she now lives in a house where the combined ages of the inhabitants there (minus her) reaches more than 200 years!  

2)    While all the above happened, mum has gone for her medical follow-ups. Her post-surgery follow-up has been good and she just has to continue with her medication as prescribed. However, at her cardio appointment, we were told that she needed to get her pacemaker battery replaced; and so, once again, mum has to go for another surgery next year. I guess when one ages, your health becomes the priority. I am thankful that my father is ok, and now, grandma too. While I hoped that my mum would not have to go through another surgery so soon, I guess it’s always better to get it over with, rather than wait till it’s too late.

And so, as we wait for her next follow-up (which is this week), I hope that once again, everything will go on smoothly; and that God will be there for us and protect us all.

3)    But enough about all that. On a brighter note, on 19 November 2025, I officially got a new car! I have always wanted a big car; and after much, hesitation, consideration, calculation…. I decided to just go for it! I listened to Ben and decided to do something for myself without feeling guilty.

And Ben was right! I can’t exactly describe what I felt when I got my new car. Happiness. Excitement. Wonder. It’s going to be 3 weeks since I got my new car and I still smile every time I think and see my new car. Ben said I couldn’t stop smiling from the moment I took the car from the dealer. People must have thought I was crazy, for smiling for no reason. But then again, it’s my default look…I smile at anyone, everyone, and everything. 

I hope that this would not be my last entry this year. But let’s see…

Till then….

6 months 21 days….

6 months 21 days….

That’s what has passed in 2025. Every year seems to be moving faster than the year before. This year is no different.

So, what has happened in the past 6 months 21 days? Besides having/hosting family friends from Australia from January – February, the major highlight in the past 6 months was my mum.

As I stated in my last entry at the beginning of year, mum was supposed to go for thyroid surgery in March. She was admitted on a Sunday and was prepped for surgery the next day; only for the surgery to be cancelled at the last minute. Mum had fasted from 2am, changed into the operating gown and was even hooked up to an IV line. She was supposed to be the second person to be operated on that Monday, but the first surgery had some complications and ran over time. By the time it was over, it was too late to do my mum’s surgery.

Emotions were all over the place. The worry, the fear, the anxiety, the patience, the annoyance. I can’t imagine what my mum felt but I was emotionally drained. From the time mum was admitted, there were rounds of doctors who for pre-op assessments; and because it was always a different doctor, we had to constantly repeat her medical history. Caretaker fatigue is real, even if I only experienced it for two days in March. Mum was finally discharged with no new date given for her cancelled surgery.

The next two weeks which ran into April was a flurry of calling the hospital, personally looking for the doctors etc just to get a new surgery date. Thankfully, my  who works part time at the hospital managed to track the doctor and get him to set a date. The new surgery date was set for June, which meant another long wait. Mum was not happy especially since there was a wedding we had to attend; and she thought she would have a brand-new look by then, but alas….

April was my 3-year ROM anniversary and I got my second tattoo! May saw one of my cousins tying the knot.

As the days passed in April then May, we reached June, my birthday month. This year, it was a low-key affair compared to last year where there was a surprise party and getaway.

The end of my birthday week saw my mum getting admitted for the second time this year. All the past emotions resurfaced, but there was a tinge of worry that what happened in March would happen again. That, coupled with all the what-ifs….it was a difficult time.

Nevertheless, God heard and answered our prayers! Mum was the first to go into surgery that day; and after 5 hours of worrying, praying, pleading with God…..mum’s surgery was over! She made it! My sister and I did not move from where we sat; and the anaesthesist who saw us sitting outside the operating theatre the whole 5 hours, took pity on us and relieved us off our worries.  The relief and happiness to hear that mum was ok and awake, her heart was stable (as that was a concern for the docs) and that she was doing well….it was an amazing feeling.

Uncle Stephen and Aunty Lita were in Penang for a school reunion during that time; and they were kind enough to be with us while mum was in surgery. They waited till we got the good news; then we sent them back to the hotel.

4 days after surgery and mum was discharged, with a load of medication. Mum stayed with me for a few days, then returned home where I think she recovered faster, being in her own home and all. Vay and I went up the hilltop temple to give our thanks to God, and it was one of the hardest journeys up the hill. But, we would do it again without a doubt!

It’s now past mid-July. We’ve been to a few follow-ups and there are more in the coming months. But, we’re thankful. Mum is recovering well. She no longer has to wear turtleneck tops to hide her big neck; she looks slimmer…she’s doing well. There is of course the adapting to having to now take medication 4 times a day, but I think it is worth it.

Till my next update…..