Every day since....

Every day since that traumatic day has been surreal. The world is just going on, passing by me left and right, while I stand still, frozen in time. I wake up each morning. I go to work. I eat. I interact with people. I post online. And yet…. there’s still something in me that hasn’t moved.

My sighing hasn’t stopped. I still get jabs of pain in my chest which then leads to unshed tears. I take a deep breath, stare into space, blink my eyes, shake my head and return to whatever I was doing. This happens even when I am driving and it's dangerous. I nearly met with an accident recently. Thankfully, Ben, my rock, was with me and he called me out. I had zoned out and missed stopping at a junction. Thankfully, nothing happened. I tell myself that I have to stop replaying that day but it's something that I don't seem to be able to control. 

I still can’t look at her pictures. The mixed emotions make it so much harder to accept reality. While my logic knows that physically, she’s no longer here; the emotional me refuses to accept. And every now and then, while handling the administration of her estate, where I have to answer questions from the lawyer, provide documentation, sign forms…all these add to the jabs to my chest. Every message, every signature, feels like another nail in the coffin, emphasizing finality. The more time passes, the further away she feels. The heavier my chest gets.

I now hate the word died; coffin; cemetery. I can't bring myself to say these words. Especially when I have to relate it to her. 

Mother’s Day is approaching. Advertisements are out. And my heart breaks again and again. I’m not sure how to navigate this new life although I have a great support system. I’m not sure time will heal the emptiness I feel. It’s just ironic to feel a heavy chest; and yet have a hollowness inside. Two contrasting physical feelings; but one huge emotion.

Sighs...

The tears on my face have dried

But the tears in my heart continue to flow

Like a river to the sea 

My mind is filled with thoughts and questions

But no words can be formed

And no answers to be found

There is a constant ache

A longing so deep and painful

That oh so often tightens the chest

I have been sighing constantly 

Trying to ease whatever that I am feeling 

But it is like trying to stand on one leg in the middle of a raging storm....

You Are Loved Beyond Measure

11.2.2026 - That Day.

3.48pm - That Call. The haunting words that keep replaying in my head. "I think amah passed away." My heart immediately stopped. 

It is a call that no one ever wants to receive. Be it from a hospital or relative or friend. But to receive it from one of your parents, hearing the urgency and worry/panic in the voice speaking to you, one has to steel one's self to concentrate and really understand what is being said. 

Fear gripped and squeezed the heart. Frustrated tears poured, along with words of prayers spewing out the mouth. All these while trying to navigate through horrendous traffic, hoping that the call was just a sick nightmare. Every call now turns my stomach, fear creeps in, my body goes into numbness, bracing myself to hear whatever is on the line. 

That Find - The first image upon arriving, still haunts me every time I close my eyes. It is not the image I want to remember, but it is the image that has caused the most pain and is the hardest to forget. I now often find myself shaking my head trying to push the image out of my head. 

That Drive - I also didn't think that that day would be the last time she would be in my car, that it would be our last drive together. For ten days, I couldn't bring myself to drive. 

We saw her twice more before she was dressed up for the final time. It was a conscious decision to spare my father the agony of having to identify her,  to see her in that state that no one should ever experience. As hard as it was, only my sister and I will carry that burden till we die. Only recently I was told that my husband was with me but I had blanked him out completely in that moment. I still don't remember him being there, holding me, supporting me, being my rock. 

We're all grieving in our own ways. Dad lost his life partner of more than 45 years. My sister, being the youngest and still living with her, lost her lookalike. I, as the eldest, lost a role model as mum was also the eldest daughter/child. Grandma lost her second child. People lost a sister, friend, aunt, cousin, sister in law....

It was always the 3 of us. Like the Three Stooges. The BeeGees. Huey, Dewey and Louie. The trinity has now broken. Not forgetting Dad of course. He was always like Charlie from Charlie's Angels. And his first angel is now gone. 

What remains now are two daughters' hearts bound together with an invisible rope interwoven with love and memories of a wonderful, strong woman.

2025 Ended on a Sad Note

 31.12.2025

My 100 year old grandmother on my dad's side left us. Being a century old, her passing did not come as a shock. Her memory had slowly been leaving her over the past years, and while she was still alive, she was barely living.

The second day of new year saw the whole family gathered, to say farewell to this iron lady. While tears did pour, her farewell was more of a celebration of her 100 years on earth. She "had made sure" that the whole family were together at New Year.

Ushering in 2026 with a farewell was not the way I expected to welcome the new year. My mother always said that if there was a wedding at the beginning of a new year, we would be attending weddings throughout the year. What I didn't expect, was to attend another, devastating farewell less than two months later.

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