Every day since that traumatic day has been surreal. The world is just going on, passing by me left and right, while I stand still, frozen in time. I wake up each morning. I go to work. I eat. I interact with people. I post online. And yet…. there’s still something in me that hasn’t moved.
My sighing hasn’t stopped. I still get jabs of pain in my chest which then leads to unshed tears. I take a deep breath, stare into space, blink my eyes, shake my head and return to whatever I was doing. This happens even when I am driving and it's dangerous. I nearly met with an accident recently. Thankfully, Ben, my rock, was with me and he called me out. I had zoned out and missed stopping at a junction. Thankfully, nothing happened. I tell myself that I have to stop replaying that day but it's something that I don't seem to be able to control.
I still can’t look at her pictures. The mixed emotions make it so much harder to accept reality. While my logic knows that physically, she’s no longer here; the emotional me refuses to accept. And every now and then, while handling the administration of her estate, where I have to answer questions from the lawyer, provide documentation, sign forms…all these add to the jabs to my chest. Every message, every signature, feels like another nail in the coffin, emphasizing finality. The more time passes, the further away she feels. The heavier my chest gets.
I now hate the word died; coffin; cemetery. I can't bring myself to say these words. Especially when I have to relate it to her.
Mother’s Day is approaching. Advertisements are out. And my heart breaks again and again. I’m not sure how to navigate this new life although I have a great support system. I’m not sure time will heal the emptiness I feel. It’s just ironic to feel a heavy chest; and yet have a hollowness inside. Two contrasting physical feelings; but one huge emotion.
